I've been trying really, really hard to keep a positive attitude about all this. Really hard. But today I lost it.
There was another jump in cases- not unexpected. I got an email letting me know when I could potentially expect to get my degree in the mail- I knew this. But something about all of it just really got to me, and I lost it. Absolutely lost it.
I get it: everybody's life sucks right now. We've all lost stuff, some more than others. In the grand scheme of it, I know I'm insanely lucky to have a safe place to stay and still be healthy, and I don't live in a hotspot (at least, it isn't right now). But I'm also really mad. And sad. About every emotion you can possibly imagine right now.
This was supposed to be a good last term, and a way to wrap up my undergrad. I was supposed to spend hours sitting in a gym alongside everybody else who was graduating, until I had about 3 seconds to hear my name called out, and then walk across a stage and shake somebody's hand, and then sit back down. Crazy as it was, I was looking forward to it. That's been ripped away from me.
I was supposed to be making decisions about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do for the next phase of my education. I've spent time contemplating possible scenarios about how the next several years would play out, and where I would be. Except, I've received emails from places I've applied saying they're not sure what's happening either. Now I'm in a weird limbo phase.
I'm sick of it. I get why all this is happening, I really do. I get that it's for the best. But I'm in the middle of mourning the loss of the life I thought I would have and how I thought the future was going to go. I'm not the only one, I know this; we're all dealing with our own stuff and emotions right now. And I'm looking really hard to find the silver linings in all of this, but right now it feels like a downpour, and I'm hoping the clouds will move off soon so I can try finding the rainbow.
None of what I'm saying is even remotely unique. 7 billion people have had their lives upheaved. But it's hard to not be upset about it when it's your own life getting hit in one way or another. I know this feeling of angst will move off eventually, I just wish it didn't even have to happen in the first place.
It's also literally raining outside while I'm typing this. If that's not poetic juxtaposition, then I don't know what is.
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